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There is a wound in me

It is this wound that gives me pain,
It is this wound that tears me apart.
It is this wound that hurts my soul,
 
This wound resides in my heart and brain,
It is this wound that destroys me..
And it is this wound that makes me live.
This wound resides in my pain and this is the wound that makes me up now.
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I neither.. I nor..

I neither understand poetry nor do  understand my feelings.
And yet, i pick my pen up and write out my feelings in a form which appears to be poetry
 
I neither understand god, nor do understand its nature.
And yet, i pray and cry out my understanding in a form which appears to be tears
 
I neither understand sleep, nor do i understand darkness.
And yet, i close my close and dream of past in a form which appears to be darkness.
 
I neither understand pain, nor do i understand happiness.
And yet, i be in pain with a smile in a form which appears to be happiness.
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Was it the end?

The end was powerful.

The impact was deep.

Every action struck as hard as a thunder.

The disaster left its scars behind.

I thought it was the end, an end as powerful as it was was certain to break me and tear me apart.

But the scars turned out to be seeds which grew and rooted itself deep.

To the deepest corner of my soul.  

This end was just the beginning.
 
The scars, put me into a different world. Where there was darkness and evil. I am pushed here mentally and emotionally to a point where I felt dead and no act of  tortured could move me. And then this world ends itself. The agony and pain is immense.
 
But to show me how dark the world I lived in was, it constantly pushed me to your world. Where emotions felt something.
 
I was in isolation. I was tied down. Every breath I took felt like a hammer striking my heart. And in between those breaths it felt like I had no air to breath and I helplessly scream for the hammer to strike me back. 
 
I don’t pray for the end to come,
I don’t pray for right or wrong.
I pray for only one thing and to offer me no pain greater than this.
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I feel afraid.

You have wrapped yourself around my heart, mind and soul in such a complex way that I cannot free myself. I am afraid to move. I am afraid to act.

I admire your smartness. You have smarty caged me and give me a varying degree of Pain everyday. I am afraid of your my love, but I won’t rebut. However when the Pain exceeds more than what I can bear, I can somehow lose control. But then again as I come back to senses, I realize that you are my love.

If seeing me Pain makes you feel comfortable then I will be in one. But I am really afraid. I am afraid what this Pain would do with me. To make me live without my will. To make me live without the feel of my heart. To make me live with no moral soul or responsibility. Makes me fear. I fear to be in Pain. I feel afraid.

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Today. Promise?

Today,
I break a few more promises,
Today,
I deny myself smile,
Today,
I let my heart die.
Today,
I break a few more promises..

Today,
I realize a bit more that life is worth not living,
Today,
I realize that a promise means nothing,
Today,
I realize that feeling means nothing,
Today,
I realize how conveniently you can select one of the many promises,
Today,
I realize how easy it is to break a few more promises..

Today,
I let my Pain take over me.
Today,
I too break all promises,
Today,
I too shall not care of the consequences of breaking them.
Today,
I too shall promise to Pain, to be in it till death..

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A sudden urge to find more Pain

All of a sudden, there is a sudden urge. The restless which has soaked in because of calmness feels hard to take in. I then sprinkle a little pain now. I sprinkle a few memories.

How unfortunate I would consider myself that I cannot rest in peace. How unfortunate it is that I cannot be peace. The Pain is something without which I cannot live. This Pain, I feel now. Feels better.